once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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