I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Every concussion has its silver lining
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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