hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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