you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
