He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
