Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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