Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize