i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
