You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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