I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Randomize
