she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
