she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
