how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
