Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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