this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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