I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
