I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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