If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
