Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
