Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
worst night to have a conscience
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
