It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
