I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
