dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
