There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
