I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
