so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
