it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
