By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
