i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
