The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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