i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
