Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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