Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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