they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
