Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
