I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
