"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the condom got lost in my hair
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize