oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Randomize
