Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
