Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
