They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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