I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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