After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize