dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
