just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
