she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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