my phone needs a breathalizer
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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