I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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