tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i dont even know how to be here
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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