I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
