I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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