my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
