Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
