Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
