A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize
