"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
