: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
