only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
