People in love make me want to vomit
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
