So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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