that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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