Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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